Indian Sunburn

We don’t advocate doing this but sometimes you need a little more uumph in your indian sunburn. Say, for example, that your girlfriend is dancing with a douchebag at some club with greased back hair and the top three buttons undone. Here’s a secret method that’s been “burning” up the clubs in recent years.

1)see your girlfriend dancing with grease monkey, who continues to try to put his hands on her even though she keeps taking them off.

2)Take bottle of Nair out of pocket and loosen the top for easy access later. Keep bottle in left hand or left pocket for easy retrieval.

3)Walk calmly up to them, patient, yet deliberate, sort of like Jason from Halloween.

4)Smile and make eye contact. Stick out your hand, like you want to shake the dude’s hand for being such a cool guy and dancing with your girlfriend.

5)Point at something behind douchebags head. He’ll turn around.

6)Take out bottle of Nair, grab dude’s arm with right hand and squeeze Nair onto it with your left hand.

7)Hold on tight and twist your hands like you’ve never twisted before.

8)The nair will start to dissolve his arm hair. This, combined with the massive indian sunburn you’re giving will burn like hell and sting like a swarm of a million bees.

9) Walk off, girl on arm and claim victory. You’ve just completed you’re first “Nair Burn.” If your girl gives you any lip, give her the Nair Burn, too.

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Howdy Sunburners, time for an update here from Indian Sunburn World HQ. You may be interested in reading Meredith’s midwife birthing stories where she so elequently details her experiences in giving birth to some beautiful children. I was surprised reading the last story on the page about Drew where she compares the feeling of giving birth to an Indian Sunburn:

One pushing contraction – I felt the “Indian sunburn” burning sensation as the baby crowned and then I felt the baby’s head emerge – I reached through my legs and touched his head and face -

We’ve said this again and again, and this story proves that giving an Indian Sunburn is one of the Top 10 best ways to prepare for pregnancy! Burn one today!

You may even want to start as soon as you get your positive pregnancy test

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A lot of times we get these noobies asking us, “How do I perform the proper Indian Sunburn that’s sure to leave some zing?”

Unless you were lucky enough to have the Indian Sunburn gene encoded in your DNA, you’ll have to start from scratch. It’s kind of like learning to ride a bike. You have to learn the basics before you can start popping wheelies, or in this case, giving some serious skin burnage.

The following is a good basic guide to giving an Indian Sunburn. Before all you veterans start grumbling, we remind you that this is just a beginner’s guide. We will cover more advanced techniques later.

Step 1: Select a suitable victim and approach with caution. Don’t get to anxious here, or else you’ll ruin the whole thing. Like a soccer mom scrambling for the last gallon of milk, you have to stay focused.

Step 2: Identify target arm and if necessary, remove victim’s clothing, roll up sleeves, sever arm, etc. Align and position both hands to victim’s arm. Like a cat that spies a mouse, you should be ready to pounce.

Step 3: Apply grip of death to victim’s arm. Imagine your hands are a great white shark’s jaw — now is not the time to let go.

Step 4: Twist hands in opposite direction while ignoring victim’s thrashing and pleas for help.

Step 5: Now twist hands in opposite direction, you should feel heat radiating point of contact.

Step 6: You’re almost home! If all has gone well up to this point, you should observe several layers of skin folding over themselves, like Burt Reynold’s weathered face.

Finish – Congratulations, you have passed the introductory course and are well on your way to becoming an Indian Sunburn master. Throw away all of victim’s aloe vera and suntan lotion so they can’t sooth the burn.

Before:

After:

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