Indian Sunburn

A lot of times we get these noobies asking us, “How do I perform the proper Indian Sunburn that’s sure to leave some zing?”

Unless you were lucky enough to have the Indian Sunburn gene encoded in your DNA, you’ll have to start from scratch. It’s kind of like learning to ride a bike. You have to learn the basics before you can start popping wheelies, or in this case, giving some serious skin burnage.

The following is a good basic guide to giving an Indian Sunburn. Before all you veterans start grumbling, we remind you that this is just a beginner’s guide. We will cover more advanced techniques later.

Step 1: Select a suitable victim and approach with caution. Don’t get to anxious here, or else you’ll ruin the whole thing. Like a soccer mom scrambling for the last gallon of milk, you have to stay focused.

Step 2: Identify target arm and if necessary, remove victim’s clothing, roll up sleeves, sever arm, etc. Align and position both hands to victim’s arm. Like a cat that spies a mouse, you should be ready to pounce.

Step 3: Apply grip of death to victim’s arm. Imagine your hands are a great white shark’s jaw — now is not the time to let go.

Step 4: Twist hands in opposite direction while ignoring victim’s thrashing and pleas for help.

Step 5: Now twist hands in opposite direction, you should feel heat radiating point of contact.

Step 6: You’re almost home! If all has gone well up to this point, you should observe several layers of skin folding over themselves, like Burt Reynold’s weathered face.

Finish - Congratulations, you have passed the introductory course and are well on your way to becoming an Indian Sunburn master. Throw away all of victim’s aloe vera and suntan lotion so they can’t sooth the burn.

Before:

After:

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